In keeping with the national policy that requires the President to report on the "state of the Union" each January, I thought it a good time to review the state of "our union."
Welfare Reform: I am happy to report that the welfare roll has been wiped clean. All former welfare recipients are now gainfully employed with little welfare recipients of their own.
Health Care: As long as we don't forget to write the check each month health care is provided.
Domestic Spending: The budget is currently balanced. Domestic spending is down due to a decrease in revenue, an unfortunate and unavoidable by-product of retirement. Chicos misses me.
Space Program: The space program could benefit from an additional revenue stream. The cottage needs a bigger bedroom.
Homeland Security: Henna assures us that everything is under control. In the event of an attack all intruders shall be licked to death.
Transportation: Let's not go there. I'm still bitter about the sale of my car.
Foreign Aid: All aid, foreign or otherwise, will be accepted just as soon as we set up that off-shore account.
Armed Forces: The fleet is aging. The southern vessel could benefit from a major overhaul or better yet, permanent retirement. As long as she floats she'll do. See domestic spending.
Domestic Relations: This department has been renamed. It is now referred to as the "Adjustment Bureau."
Foreign Affairs: Under no circumstance will foreign affairs be tolerated. Any such act would effectively dissolve said union.