The State of Our Union

In keeping with the national policy that requires the President to report on the "state of the Union" each January, I thought it a good time to review the state of "our union."

Welfare Reform:  I am happy to report that the welfare roll has been wiped clean.  All former welfare recipients are now gainfully employed with little welfare recipients of their own.

Health Care:  As long as we don't forget to write the check each month health care is provided.

Domestic Spending:  The budget is currently balanced.  Domestic spending is down due to a decrease in revenue,  an unfortunate and unavoidable by-product of retirement.  Chicos misses me.

Space Program:  The space program could benefit from an additional revenue stream.  The cottage needs a bigger bedroom.

Homeland Security:  Henna assures us that everything is under control.  In the event of an attack all intruders shall be licked to death.

Transportation:  Let's not go there.  I'm still bitter about the sale of my car.

Foreign Aid:  All aid, foreign or otherwise, will be accepted just as soon as we set up that off-shore account.

Armed Forces:  The fleet is aging.  The southern vessel could benefit from a major overhaul or better yet, permanent retirement.  As long as she floats she'll do.  See domestic spending.


Domestic Relations:  This department has been renamed.  It is now referred to as the "Adjustment Bureau."

Foreign Affairs:  Under no circumstance will foreign affairs be tolerated.  Any such act would effectively dissolve said union.